Star Wars Spoof: Episode Uno: The Phantom Person
by PadawanObiWan
Summary: A parody of Episode I.
1. Chapter 1

TITLE: Star Wars Spoof: Episode Uno: The Phantom Person  
AUTHOR: PadawanObiWan  
CATEGORY: Parody/Humor  
RATING: PG - some humor may be inapropriate or offensive to some readers  
SUMMARY: A parody of Episode I  
DISCLAIMER: STAR WARS and all associated characters, logos and other elements are the property of George Lucas and Lucasfilm Ltd. The author of this story makes no profit whatsoever.  
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Chapter 8 is a sample chapter of the spoof for "The Empire Strikes Back", I have to skip around because I don't have enough material for "A New Hope" yet, so read it and review and if people want more, it'll come. I'll update this story with more jokes when they come to mind, so check back sometime. 


	2. Chapter 2

----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
CHAPTER 2  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Several invading craft come out of the big Federal-ation THING battleships. They land on the planet. Ugly brown vehicles come out of the landing craft. Tanks come out and battle droids, lots of battle droids.  
  
The Head Roger is talking to the Viceroy and Rude Hacko via hologram.  
  
Roger: Yez Viceroy?  
  
Rude Hacko: Captain, we searched the ship, and there is no trace of the Jedi, dey may'ave gotten onto one of your landing crafts.  
  
Roger: If they're down here, we'll find 'em, unless we don't…  
  
Viceroy: Use caution. These Jedi are not tubee under-essimated.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Qui-Gon is running from a stampede, who is running from the ugly brown vehicles. He runs right into an orange frog-like guy called Jarari Bink.  
  
Jarari: Give me a hug!  
  
Qui-Gon: Get of me you freak!  
  
They fall down just as a large brown vehicle goes over them. After it passes, Qui-Gon gets up and looks around to make sure no one saw him laying on top of Jarari.  
  
Jarari: Oh moo-ie moo-ie! I wuv you!  
  
Qui-Gon: What's wrong with you, are you gay?  
  
Jarari: No no! Meesa no gay! Meesa Jarari Bink! Meesa entirewee compooter jinawated kowakter! Yousa save my life!  
  
Qui-Gon: Yes, my mistake…  
  
Jarari: No! No mistake! Meesa your humble serbant! Meesa doo aneetang for yoos!  
  
Qui-Gon: Anything?  
  
Obi-Wan comes up, dodging laser bolts from battle droids on flying motorcycles, doing moves like in "The Matrix", Qui-Gon whips out his saber and destroys the droids.  
  
Jarari: You saved my again!  
  
Obi-Wan: What's this?  
  
Qui-Gon: My humble computer-generated servant, now let's go before more droids show up.  
  
Obi-Wan: Go where?  
  
Jarari: EXKWEEEEEEEEEZE ME! Meesa knows mosta safest place is Gunga city!  
  
Qui-Gon: A city?  
  
Jarari: Uh huh!  
  
Qui-Gon: Can you take us there.  
  
Jarari: Oops, my forgot my been shunned and day pwobabwee kill us all if we go.  
  
Obi-Wan: Yeah, things like eternal banishment and being shunned out of my hometown always slip my mind too.  
  
Qui-Gon: Ah, who cares? Let's go!  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
They reach a lake.  
  
Jarari: Weesa go unduh watah, okeyday? But my warns yoo again, Gungans no liken outsiders, so don't spek a worm welcome!  
  
Obi-Wan: Don't worry this hasn't been our day for worm welcomes.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
They swim to the underwater Gungan city and go inside.  
  
Jarari: Feels SOOO good bein' home!  
  
Jarari notices several Gungan guards approaching them.  
  
Jarari: Uh oh! Weesa busted!  
  
Captain Tadpole: Stop in danaymuhduh- GASP! Zarari Bink!  
  
Jarari: Meeesa back!  
  
Captain Tadpole: Noah gain Zarari. Yoosa go see bosses yoosa in da big poo poo now!  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan stand before a big Gungan called Boss Nasty, Jarari is in chains behind them. Qui-Gon speaks very slowly and in small words, for he fears the Boss may be retarded.  
  
Qui-Gon: A droid army is about to attack the Naboo. We must warn them.  
  
Boss: Meesa no lika Naboo. Meesa no hep yoos. Meesa wants dem to die.  
  
Obi-Wan: Maybe I can reason with them…  
  
Qui-Gon: Uh, Obi-Wan,wait…  
  
Obi-Wan: You and the Naboo form a symbiotic circle. A natural union of the two exist are dependant upon each other for survival.  
  
Boss: Uh, what?  
  
Qui-Gon: Speak plainly, Obi-Wan, I think his lights are all burned out in the attic. I'll deal with him anyway. Your Bossness, you WANT to help us and you WILL give us a transport.  
  
Boss: I WANT to hep yoos, and I will give yoosa una bongo.  
  
The Boss snaps out of it.  
  
Boss: And remember the speediest way to the Naboo is through the PLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANET COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE.  
  
Obi-Wan: Master, what's a bongo?  
  
Qui-Gon: I'll tell you when your older, but right now we need a navigator. What is to become of Jarari Bink.  
  
Boss: Binkie break "hitroadjackandonyeecomeback" rule, he be poonished.  
  
Qui-Gon: I saved his life, he is my humble servant.  
  
Boss: Fine! Take him! Ruin our fun time!  
  
Qui-Gon: I think I will, come along Jarari.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
The bongo speeds away from the city towards the Planet Core.  
  
Obi-Wan: So Jarari, why were you banished, ya kill a man.  
  
Jarari: Well, it's a longo tello, but my basikwee caused few wittle accidentays.  
  
Jarari accidently flips the bongo in reverse it flies into an evil carnivorous fish.  
  
Jarari: Wike dat one!  
  
The fish bites on the bongo and swims away, another bigger fish eats the small fish, the bongo is free.  
  
Qui-Gon: Good day for fishing! Okay, head for that convenient hole.  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
The Viceroy and Rude Hacko stand before the very blue hologram of Darth Silliness.  
  
Viceroy: We are right on schedule ma'lord.  
  
Silliness: Goood. I will see to it that in the Senate things stay as they are. Something only senators whose names begin with P can do, not like I'm a senator whose name begins with P or anything.  
  
Viceroy: The Queen has great faith that the Senate will side with her.  
  
Silliness: Queen Armadillo is young and naïve and stupid and oblivious to reality and not very bright. You will find controlling her will not be difficult.  
  
He fades away.  
  
Rude Hacko: You didn't tell him about the missing Jedi.  
  
Viceroy: You didn't tell him about your little FLING at that party last week.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
The bongo is in a little cave.  
  
Obi-Wan: We're losing power.  
  
They lose power.  
  
Jarari: Now weesa dead!  
  
Qui-Gon: Frankie says relax. Besides we're not in trouble yet.  
  
Jarari: Yet? Yet! Monstairs out dare, weekin in here, oy sinkin in no power! Excaweeze me but dassa twuble!  
  
Obi-Wan: Power's back! She just needed a new battery.  
  
Obi and Jarari look out the window and see a big fish.  
  
Jarari: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Qui-Gon: Relax, you're starting to bug me.  
  
He uses the Force to make Jarari "relax". Jarari is now unconscious. They swim away from it, it follow them. The other big fish from before shows up, they pull up right above it and it eats the fish that was chasing them. (If you didn't get that, just watch the movie).  
  
Qui-Gon: Head for that other convenient hole.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Traffic is really backed up to the city of Theed. Federal-ation ships are evrywhere. The Viceroy comes out of his ship.  
  
Roger: Viceroy, we have captured the Queen.  
  
Viceroy: Checkmate!  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
The Viceroy, Rude Hacko, and some battle droids have captured the Queen and her loyal subjects, they walk down the stairs in the palace.  
  
Sio Babble: How will you explain this invasion to the Senate?  
  
Viceroy: The Queen and I will sign a treaty that will legitimitize our occupation here. I have ashoo-ranses it will be ratified by the Senate.  
  
Sio Babble: That's very clever!  
  
Queen: I will not cooperate! I will kick and scream and whine until I get my way!  
  
Viceroy: Well, Your Highness, once you are… PA-ROCESSED you will see a different point of view. Commander.  
  
Roger: Yez Vizeroy?  
  
Viceroy: PA-ROCESS them.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
The Queen and company are being taken to a processing camp, Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan and Jarari are on a bridge over them. They jump down and start slashing up the droids, well Jarari doesn't.  
  
Qui-Gon: We should leave the streets.  
  
They leave the streets.  
  
Qui-Gon: We're ambassadors for the Supreme Chancellor, it's urgent we make contact with the republic.  
  
Captain: They've knocked out all our communications.  
  
Qui-Gon: Do you have transport?  
Captain: This way.  
  
They reach the hangar.  
  
Captain: Screw that, there's too many of them.  
  
Qui-Gon: It won't be a problem. Your Highness, under the circumstances I suggest you come to Corusnot with us.  
  
Queen: Thank you, but I'd rather die along with my people.  
  
Sio Babble: Our only hope is for the Senate to side with us, Senator Palpatine will need your help.  
  
Queen: Then I will plead our case to the Senate.  
  
They enter the hangar, there are a lot of battle droids. Several pilots are being held captive.  
  
Captain: We'll need to free those pilots.  
  
Obi-Wan: I'll deal with that.  
  
Qui-Gon: No, let me.  
  
Battle Droid: Halt!  
  
Qui-Gon: I'm ambassador for the Supreme Chancellor, here's my card, I'm taking these people to Corusnot.  
  
Battle Droid: Where are you taking them?  
  
Qui-Gon: To Corusnot.  
  
Battle Droid: Uh, that does not compute, could you repeat it again?  
  
Qui-Gon: Corusnot.  
  
Battle Droid: Wait a second! Where'd all these people come from? Where are you taking them?  
  
Qui-Gon: Corusnot.  
  
Battle Droid: I can't hear you, I got something in my, uh, ear…  
  
Qui-Gon slashes the battle droid up, the everybody runs to the Queen's ship. Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon slash up all the droids. Soon the hangar is full of smoking droid pieces. They get on the ship.  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
The ship takes off, we can hear the voices of Obi-Wan, Jarari, and Riccola the pilot.  
  
Obi-Wan: Can I pilot?  
  
Riccola: No.  
  
Jarari: Meesa will pilot!  
  
Riccola: No!  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
The ship flies towards the deadly blockade. Jarari is with a lot of R2 droids.  
  
Jarari: Heyo boyos! Yousa hear da one about da pweest and a wabbi?  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
The battleships fire at the Queen's ship, a laser bolt hits the shield generator. Jarari has his back to them, he is laughing his head off, all the droid leave.  
  
Jarari: An he says- he says- but mom dis in'nt peenoot booter and jeyey! Ahahahahahaha!  
  
He turns around, everyone is gone.  
  
Jarari: How wude.  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
The R2 units are repairing the ship, but keep getting shot off. Only R2-D2 is left and all the laser bolts miss him.  
  
Riccola: What the- Power's back! That little droid did it! Uh oh! We don't have enough fuel to get us to Corusnot. The hyperdrive is leaking!  
  
Obi-Wan: I thought something was leaking…  
  
Qui-Gon sits at a computer.  
  
Qui-Gon: Dang these IBM computers! Well, I found a gas station on a remote planet called Tattoospleen.  
  
Captain: You can't take Queen Armadillo there, it's controlled by the Nuts!  
  
Qui-Gon: But the Nuts aren't looking for her, which gives us the advantage. 


	3. Chapter 3

----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
CHAPTER 3  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
The Viceroy and Rude Hacko are in the conference room sitting with a hologram of Darth Silliness.  
  
Silliness: -which brings us to our next item, the blockade of Naboo. So, Queen Armadillo, she sign the treaty or what? What's the deal here?  
  
Viceroy: She has, uh, escaped. And it's impossy-bull to locate the ship, it's out of our range.  
  
Silliness: Not for a Sith!  
  
Another Sith appears.  
  
Silliness: This is my apprentice, Darth Maul. He will find your lost ship.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Captain Panic-uh, Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan and R2-D2 stand before the Queen and her handmaidens.  
  
Captain: - a very well put together little droid. He has saved our lives.  
  
Queen: Then he is to be committed. What is his number?  
  
Captain: R2-D2.  
  
Queen: Thank you R2-D2.  
  
R2-D2: Bleepedy bloop, bee doo.  
  
Queen: Padmé, clean this droid up at once! Continue, Captain.  
  
Captain: Uh…  
  
Qui-Gon: With your permission, Your Majesty, we're heading toward the remote planet of Tattoospleen. The Trade Federal-ation THING will not find us there.  
  
Captain: I do not agree with the Jedi on this!  
  
Qui-Gon: And I do not agree with your hair, you're just gonna have to trust my judgement.  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Padmé is cleaning up R2-D2, muttering to herself.  
  
Padmé: This job sucks…  
  
Jarari walks in.  
  
Jarari: Hedo! Meesa Jarari Bink, whosa are yousa?  
  
Padmé: I'm Padmé. You're a Gungan aren't you?  
  
Jarari: Uh… yup.  
  
Padmé: What're you doing here with us.  
  
Jarari: My no know. Disa all berry confoosing. Meesa see Jedi, meesa see maka-neeks. Meesa see boss. Meesa get poonished. Meesa running and getting crunched an zapped an shootin, big teeth, star sinkin in no power, den pow! Meesa here!  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
The spaceship approaches Tatoospleen.  
  
Riccola: 39 bottle of beer on the wall, take one down, pass it around, 38 bottles of…  
  
Obi-Wan, Qui-Gon and Captain Panic-uh: SHUT UP!!!  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
The ship lands, Obi-Wan is inspecting the place where the engine used to be, blue flames are coming out of the ship.  
  
Obi-Wan: I'm no technical genius, but I think we need a new hyperdrive generator.  
  
Qui-Gon: Yeah, no kidding. Well, Jarari and I will go to town and get one.  
  
Captain: The Queen wants you to take her handmaiden Padmé with you. So the Queen can learn more about the planet.  
  
Obi-Wan: Wouldn't "Padmé" then be learning more about the planet?  
  
Qui-Gon: This spaceport will be no bed of roses.  
  
Captain: The Queen WISHES it, we used a magic lamp and every thing. You know? Genies...  
  
Qui-Gon: Uh... sure... whatever, I'll be leaving now... away from you... see ya later...  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Qui-Gon, Padmé, Jarari, and R2-D2 are in the town of Mos Espa.  
  
Qui-Gon: Let's try one of the smaller dealers.  
  
They try one of the smaller dealers. It is an ugly half pig/half mosquito alien names Swatto.  
  
Swatto: Good day to you, what do you want?  
  
Qui: I need a hyperdrive generator for a Q-type 123 Nubian.  
  
Swatto: Letta say you and me go out back, I'm sure we'll find what you need, heh! Shananakin! Watch the store!  
  
A little boy named Shananakin comes in, Qui-Gon, R2-D2 and Swatto go out back.  
  
Shananakin is staring at Padmé.  
  
Shanankin: Are you an angel?  
  
Padmé: Say what?  
  
SHANANAKIN: An angel. The drunk space pilots talk about them, they're the most beautiful creatures in the universe. They come from the moons of Ego. I think.  
  
Padmé: Well, I'm no angel. I'm Padmé Cranberry.  
  
Shanankin: And I'm Shanankin Moonwalker, a real live person.  
  
Jarari activates a pit droid, it sproings to life.  
  
Jarari: YAGH! IS AWIVE!  
  
The pit droid chases him around the shop.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Swatto is outback showing Qui-Gon his props and memorabilia from various sci-fi movies.  
  
Swatto: Thee are in luck, I do have a hyperdrive generator. But it costa mucho dinero metia!  
  
Qui-Gon: Do you take Jedi MasterCards?  
  
Swatto: Republic credit cards? Bah! Humbug! Republic credit cards are no good out here, I need real money.  
  
Qui-Gon: I have nothing else, but CREDITS WILL DO FINE.  
  
Swatto: Uh, no they won't.  
  
Qui-Gon: No, I don't think you heard me: CREDITS WILL DO FINE.  
  
Swatto: No, they won't!  
  
Qui-Gon: Will!  
  
Swatto: Won't  
  
Qui-Gon: Will!  
  
Swatto: Won't  
  
Qui-Gon: Will!  
  
Swatto: Won't  
  
Qui-Gon: Will!  
  
Swatto: Won't  
  
Qui-Gon ignites his lightsaber.  
  
Qui-Gon: I guess I'm not making myself clear…  
  
Swatto: I don't take-uh threats, only money. No money, no parts, no deal!  
  
Qui-Gon smiles and leaves.  
  
Jarari is chasing the droid around the shop. Crashes and bangs can be heard.  
  
SHANANAKIN: I don't think Swatto was going to sell that anyway.  
  
Qui-Gon: We're leaving.  
  
They leave.  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Qui-Gon is on the phone with Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan's comlink doubles as a razor, so he's shaving with it right now.  
  
Qui-Gon: And there's nothing on board?  
  
Captain: My 20th Anniversary Mr. Rogers Commemorative stamp collection.  
  
Riccola: My lucky potato.  
  
Obi-Wan: Nothing of value.  
  
Qui-Gon: Well, we've tried selling Jarari, but no one will take him. So we'll have to find another way.  
  
They leave and Jarari is left behind, he sees a frog vendor, he grabs one of the frogs with his tongue. The frog vendor walks up.  
  
Frog Vendor: Hey Hey! Da Willie Wonka?  
  
Jarari: Huh? Wonka?  
  
He sees the bloody butcher knife the vendor is holding and screams, the frog flies out of his mouth and hits a mean alien called Sebublug in the head. Sebublug jumps at him.  
  
Sebublug: Yumo yumo!*  
*-You fool, you will pay for your insolence, now I will beat thee unmercifully.  
  
Shananakin walks up.  
  
SHANANAKIN: Checkers Sebublug. Duck Duck Goosa. Meetesa radical coupons y chop sui.*  
*-Careful, Sebublug. He's a big time outlander. I'd hate to see you diced before we race again.  
  
Sebublug: Licky chihauhau worm-o, monkey swing!*  
*-Next time we race, I will happily kill you.  
  
SHANANAKIN: Y Chewbacca dey moulee ra.*  
*-Yeah, it'd be a pity if you had to pay for me.  
  
Sebublug walks off, Padmé, Qui-Gon and R2-D2 come up.  
  
SHANANAKIN: Hi!  
  
Qui-Gon: Hi!  
  
Jarari: Hi!  
  
R2-D2: Hi!  
  
Random Person: Hi!  
  
Padmé: Hey!  
  
Everyone looks at her.  
  
Padmé: I mean 'hi!'  
  
SHANANAKIN: You're goofy CG buddy here was about to become a lifeless goo. He picked a fight with a dangerous bully called Sebublug.  
  
Jarari: Wha? Das no true! He makee da up! Meesa pick nutin wit no one!  
  
Qui-Gon: Nevertheless the boy saved you from a well-deserved wooping, thanks my young friend.  
  
The all walk away.  
  
Jarari: Hey dassa no fair! Meesa doin nutin!  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
A sandstorms abrewin'. Obi-Wan and the Captain stand outside the Queen's ship.  
  
Obi-Wan: Heh heh! Am I good or am I good? This storm otta slow them down! Woo!  
  
Captain: Nice work.  
  
The comlink buzzes.  
  
Captain: Panic-uh!  
  
Voice: What's your favorite scary movie?  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Shananakin, Padmé, Qui-Gon, Jarari, and R2-D2 are at a stand where an old lady is selling dry banana chips. Qui-Gon is looking around.  
  
SHANANAKIN: Here you'll like these dried bananas.  
  
Qui-Gon puts them in his pocket, Shananakin notices his lightsaber.  
  
Old Lady: Ouch!  
  
SHANANAKIN: What's wrong?  
  
Old Lady: Oh, my bones are achin'. Could mean a sandstorms coming up or it could just mean… I'm old.  
  
SHANANAKIN: If there's a sandstorm coming, you can go to my house.  
  
They go to his house.  
  
SHANANAKIN: Hey Mom! I'm home! I brought four strange people with me!  
  
Shananakin's Mom appears.  
  
Qui-Gon: Hi, I'm Qui-Gon Jinn, your son offered us some shelter.  
  
SHANANAKIN: Wanna see the droid I'm building? Yipee! I'll go show ya PPO!  
  
He drags Padmé to his room, R2-D2 follows.  
  
Padmé: Straight to the bedroom…  
  
Shananakin pulls a blanket off of his creation.  
  
SHANANAKIN: Isn't he great.  
  
Padmé: (sarcastically) He's downright perfect.  
  
C-PPO: Perfect? Hello, I am C-PPO, human-cyborg relations.  
  
R2-D2: Beepedy boop!  
  
C-PPO: R2-D2, a pleasure! I am C-PPO, human-cyborg relations.  
  
R2-D2: Beep toot.  
  
C-PPO: What do you mean I'm 'naked'?  
  
R2-D2: Boody doop.  
  
C-PPO: My PARTS ARE SHOWING? OH MY!  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
The Captain, Obi-Wan, the Queen and her handmaidens are watching Sio Babble on a hologram.  
  
Sio Babble: Death toll-catastrophic. Must bow to there wishes. You must contact me.  
  
Queen: What do you think?  
  
Obi-Wan: I think that was the lowsiest movie I ever saw; I think your really not the Queen and Padmé is; I think Senator Palpatine is really Darth Silliness; I think those two handmaidens of yours are secret lovers; I think that the Captain here should get a different haircut, and I think it's about time you fired that Ricolla guy. I think the message is a trick; I think I need a bigger part in this movie and I think I'm only allowed to talk to any character that's not my Master only once. And I think you should send no reply at all, send no transmissions of any kind.  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Obi-Wan is in the cockpit on the comlink again.  
  
Qui-Gon: Sounds like they're trying to establish a connection trace.  
  
Obi-Wan: What if it is true? I just made a complete idiot out of myself. And what if the Naboo are dying?  
  
Qui-Gon: Then we're running out of time… and I doubt we'll get paid either.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Two shadowy figures are walking on a balcony on the city planet of Corusnot.  
  
Darth Silliness: Go to Tattospleen and keel the Jedi, then take the Queen to Naboo.  
  
Darth Maul: At last we will reveal ourselves to the Jedi. At last we will have revenge.  
  
Darth Silliness: Good for you. 


	4. Chapter 4

----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
CHAPTER 4  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Qui-Gon, Padmé, Jarari, Shananakin, R2-D2 and Shananakin's mom are eating supper.  
  
Padmé I can't believe there's still slavery in the galaxy. The Republic's ant-slavery laws-  
  
Shananakin's Mother: The Republic doesn't exist out here, we must survive on our own.  
  
Silence.  
  
Padmé: I feel kinda stupid, could someone say something?  
  
SHANANAKIN: Anyone ever see a pot race?  
  
Padmé: What's a pot race?  
  
Qui-Gon: Where people sit on a toilet seat attached to two really big engines, very fast, very dangerous.  
  
SHANANAKIN: I'm the only human who can do it!  
  
Qui-Gon: You must have Jedi reflexes if you race pots.  
  
SHANANAKIN: Jedi reflexes?  
  
Qui-Gon: Yeah, like this.  
  
Jarari uses his tongue to grab food, Qui-Gon grabs it and ties it to a chair.  
  
SHANANAKIN: You're a Jedi aren't you?  
  
Qui-Gon: Er, uh, no, uh… I just have, uh, Jedi reflex.  
  
SHANANAKIN: Where'd you get that laser stick?  
  
Qui-Gon: Yes I had a feeling you were eyeing my laser stick. Well, I can see there's no fooling you. I am a Jedi, but my ship has crashed and I need a new hyperdrive generator from our friend, Swatto.  
  
SHANANAKIN: How convenient that I have a pot and there's an annual race coming up in just two days, with the prize money you could…  
  
Shananakin's Mom: Shananakin, Swatto won't let you race…  
  
SHANANAKIN: Come on, Mom. You just don't want me to die. I love pot racing.  
  
Padmé: Qui-Gon doesn't want to put your son in danger.  
  
Qui-Gon: Sure, I do.  
  
Padmé: We'll find some other way.  
  
Shananakin's Mom: No, there is no other way. None that will speed up the plot. He can help you. He was meant to help you.  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Padmé: Are you sure about this? Trusting our lives to a strange boy who builds naked robots? I- I mean, the Queen - would not approve.  
  
Qui-Gon: You- I mean - the Queen doesn't need to know.  
  
Padmé: Well the Queen - I mean I - don't approve.  
  
Qui-Gon walks into Swatto's shop.  
  
Swatto: The boy says you wanna sponsor him in da race.  
  
Qui-Gon: Yes, I have, uh, "acquired" a pot in a game of chance.  
  
Swatto: Well, I hope you didn't keel anyone I know for it… But you only have Republic credit cards, it costa entry feee, huh!  
  
Qui-Gon: Well, I was hoping you'd front the cash for the entry, and If we win, you keep all the money, minus the cost of the parts we need. And if we lose, you keep my ship.  
  
He flicks on a hologram of the Queen's ship.  
  
Qui-Gon: A brand-new Nubian. A real chick magnet.  
  
Swatto: Well, I uh…  
  
He looks at Qui-Gon then the ship.  
  
Swatto: DEAL!  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon are talking on the comlinks.  
  
Obi-Wan: What if this plan fails Master, we could be stuck here a very looong time. I mean a loooooong time. A looooooo-  
  
Qui-Gon flips of the comlink as Shananakin's mom comes up behind him.  
  
Qui-Gon: You should be very proud of your son.  
  
Shananakin's Mom: Yes, I am, but sometimes he scares me.  
  
Shananakin and his friend are working on the pot. Jarari is fiddling with the engines.  
  
SHANANAKIN: Hey Jarari, watch out for those energy binders.  
  
Jarari: Say what?  
  
He gets zapped.  
  
Jarari: AWOAH! Dey mithe thung! Mithe thung this thad! Mithe thung!  
  
C-PPO: That Jarari creature is a little… odd.  
  
Jarari gets his finger stuck in the engine.  
  
Jarari: Thokee, graith! Thow mithe thiger thith thuck! Thood thom theeki thepee?  
  
Qui-Gon: Let's get this thing started!  
  
Jarari: Tho waithe!  
  
Shananakin is about to turn on the engine and kill Jarari without second thought, Padmé takes pity on him and helps him out, much to many peoples displeasure.  
  
Jarari: Thank thoo!  
  
Shananakin flips the switch, the pot racer works.  
  
SHANANAKIN: It's working! It's working!  
  
Shananakin's mom watches with a bit of sadness.  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Qui-Gon is drawing blood from Shananakin's arm with a needle.  
  
SHANANAKIN: Qui-Gon, what're you doing?  
  
Qui-Gon: Eh, I'm checking your blood for midichloria- I mean infections. Now get to bed.  
  
Shananakin gets to bed. Qui-Gon pulls out the comlink.  
  
Qui-Gon: Obi-Wan?  
  
Obi-Wan: Yes Master?  
  
Qui-Gon: Check this blood I'm sending you for midichlorians.  
  
Obi-Wan: Over a comlink?  
  
Qui-Gon: Sure, there should be a midichlorian counter on the ship's computer, they put them in all computers, now.  
  
Obi-Wan: Please hold.  
  
Qui-Gon waits a little bit.  
  
Obi-Wan: Blimey!  
  
Qui-Gon: What?  
  
Obi-Wan: It's way off the charts! Even Master Yoda's midichlorians aren't THAT high.  
  
Qui-Gon: Nobody's are.  
  
Obi-Wan: What does that mean?  
  
Qui-Gon: I don't know.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
A sinister Sith spaceship soars over the spherical surface of the sandy planet of Tattospleen. It lands. Darth Maul comes out her looks around and presses a few buttons on his wrist band. Three probe droids come out of his ship.  
  
Darth Maul: Fly my little monkeys, fly.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Qui-Gon is in the pot racer garage with Swatto and Jarari.  
  
Swatto: I wanna see this spaceship as soon as the race is over.  
  
Qui-Gon: Patience, my blue friend. You'll get your winnings before the suns set. And I'll be cruisin' the galaxy in my brand new Nubian chick magnet.  
  
Swatto: Not if that chick magnet is belonging to ME, I think. I warn you now, no funny bees-nus.  
  
Qui-Gon: You don't think Shananakin can win?  
  
Swatto: Don't get me wrongo, I have GREAT FAITH in the boy, I just think he lose by first lap. Sebublug here is going to win, I think.  
  
Qui-Gon: Why would you think that?  
  
Swatto: He ALWAYS wins! I'm betting big money on Sebublug.  
  
Qui-Gon: I'll take that bet!  
  
Swatto: What bet?  
  
Qui-Gon: I'll wager my brand new pot against say, the boy and his mother.  
  
Swatto: No pot is worth two slaves, not by a long shot!  
  
Qui-Gon: The boy then.  
  
Swatto: Well, we'll let fate decide, eh? I happen to have a chance cube here. Blue - it's the boy, red - his mother.  
  
He tosses the coin, Qui-Gon uses the Force to make it land on blue.  
  
Swatto: GARGH! You won the small toss outlander, but you won't when the race! GARGH!  
  
Padmé, R2-D2, C-PPO, Shananakin, his mom and his friend come up. Swatto flies by.  
  
Swatto: Boona pa keesa, shaga wa sticka ma toga HAHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
SHANANAKIN: What'd he mean by that?  
  
Qui-Gon: I'll tell you when you're a little older.  
  
Shananakin's Friend: I'm sure you'll finish this time.  
  
Padmé: Finish what?  
  
Shananakin's Friend: The race of course.  
  
Padmé: You've never finished a race before?  
  
SHANANAKIN: Well, technically… no.  
  
Padmé: Great…  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
The arena is packed. A two-headed announcer, uh, announces.  
  
Fodé: Welcome to the Boonta Eve Classic, pot race fans.  
  
Beed: And lovely weather we're having today.And the drunken fool, Teemto Pagagalees!The galaxy-famous Gass Gonzo!And it looks like Cloginaros is having engine trouble also!And the fans are going crazy to catch it.Neck and neck!Toe by toe!And the Nuts are going to sleep! 


	5. Chapter 5

----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
CHAPTER 5  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Qui-Gon, Padmé, Jarari & R2-D2 have gone back to the ship with a big hyperdrive generator. Obi-Wan greets them.  
  
QUI-GON: Get this hyperdrive generator installed, I'm going back to town, for some unfinished business.  
  
OBI-WAN: Why do I sense we've picked up ANOTHER pathetic lifeform?  
  
QUI-GON: It's the boy who's responsible for getting us these parts. Get this hyperdrive generator installed, I'm going back to town, for some unfinished business.  
  
Obi-Wan shakes his head as his master heads back towards Mos Espa.  
  
Qui-Gon bursts into Shananakin's house.  
  
QUI-GON: Shananakin, I've won you in a big bet with Swatto! You're free!  
  
SHANANAKIN: WOWEE! YOWZA! Hey, what about Mom?  
  
QUI-GON: What about Mom?  
  
SHANANAKIN: Is she free too?  
  
QUI_GON: I tried to win your mother in the small toss, but Swatto just wouldn't have it.  
  
Shananakin hugs his mom, crying.  
  
SHANANAKIN'S MOM: Son, my future is here, you have to learn to let go. Let go. Shananakin, let go!  
  
SHANANAKIN: Gee, sorry Mom.  
  
SHANANAKIN'S MOM: Now go get packed.  
  
He gets packed.  
  
SHANANAKIN: Well PPO, I'll see you later.  
  
C-PPO: Where are you going? What about my coverings?  
  
SHANANAKIN: Sorry PPO, but I can't pass this up, it's a chance of a lifetime. I've been freed and I'm goin' away on a starship. I'll live my life as a Jedi for a few years, turn on my masters, betray my friends, become a Sith. I'll probably build a Death Star that'll destroy planets. I'll single-handedly bring endless destruction and pain upon the entire galaxy!  
  
C-PPO: Oh dear, I suppose I'm going to be naked for a very long time.  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Shananakin is saying goodbye to his mom.  
  
SHANANAKIN: Will I ever see you again?  
  
SHANANAKIN'S MOM: Listen to your heart, whet does your heart tell you?  
  
SHANANAKIN: Boom-boom. Boom-boom. Boom-boom.  
  
SHANANAKIN'S MOM: Of course we'll see each other again, now be brave, and don't look back.  
  
Shananakin leaves.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
A probe droid comes up the Darth Maul.  
  
PROBE DROID: Whew! I am not getting paid enough! Anyway the Jedi is on his way to his ship.  
  
DARTH MAUL: Good, enter the coordinates onto my Hover Harley.  
  
Darth Maul jumps on his Hover Harley and takes off.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Qui-Gon and Shananakin are running to the Queen's ship.  
  
SHANANAKIN: Qui-Gon sir, wait, I'm tired.  
  
Qui-Gon notices the hooded horned hoodlum on the Hover Harley behind him.  
  
QUI-GON: Shananakin! Drop! Go! Tell them to take off!  
  
Shananakin runs to the ship, Qui-Gon fights the phantom menace. Captain, Padmé and Shananakin run into the cockpit.  
  
CAPTAIN: Qui-Gon's in trouble, we need to take off.  
  
RICCOLA: I see him, huh, over there!  
  
OBI-WAN: No you idiot, over there! Fly low.  
  
They continue fighting outside, Darth Maul flips through the air. Qui-Gon jumps to the ship. Darth Maul comes back down just in time to see the ship take off.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Shananakin and Obi-Wan run to see Qui-Gon.  
  
QUI-GON: Oh, my achin' head.  
  
SHANANAKIN: Are you all right?  
  
QUI-GON: I think so, but that THING was well trained in the Jedi arts, probably after the Queen.  
  
SHANANAKIN: Oh no! What're we going to do?  
  
QUI-GON: We must be patient. Shananakin Moonwalker meet Obi-Wan Kenobi.  
  
SHANANAKINL Wowee! Are you a Jedi too?  
  
OBI-WAN: No, I'm the janitor. I use this lightsaber here to scrub toilets.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
The Viceroy is in a massaging chair with legs, battle droids and Sio Babble are with him.  
  
VICEROY: Your Queen is lost, your people are suffering, and you will die a painful death.  
  
SIO BABBLE: This invasion will gain you nothing! Nothing but a whole star system of planets and millions of slaves! We're a democracy for Pete's sake!  
  
VICEROY: Democracy? HAH! Tuck him in bed!  
  
Sio Babble is taken away. The head Roger comes up to the Viceroy.  
  
ROGER: My troops will begin zearching the zwampz for theze rumoured underwater village people, they will not ztay hidden furlong.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Padmé is watching the holo recording of Sio Babble.  
  
SIO BABBLE: Death toll-catastrophic. Must bow to there wishes. You must contact me.  
  
She notices Shananakin.  
  
PADMÉ: You all right?  
  
SHANANAKIN: It's cold.  
  
PADMÉ: Maybe you shouldn't be sleeping in the refrigerator then.  
  
SHANANAKIN: Oh, yeah. You seem sad.  
  
PADMÉ: I - I mean - The Queen is worried. Our people are dying. I'm not sure what's going to happen.  
  
SHANANAKIN: I made this for you, so you'd remember me. I carved it out of a rotten coconut. It will bring you good luck.  
  
PADMÉ: It's uh… interesting. But I'll always remember and care for you.  
  
SHANANAKIN: Me too, but I…  
  
PADMÉ: Miss your mother.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
The Queen's ship is finally approaching Corusnot. Riccola and Shananakin are in the cockpit.  
  
RICCOLA: Corusnot, the entire planet is one hulargeous city.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
The group lands on a platform with Supreme Chancellor Valorum and Senator Palpatine.  
  
PALPATINE: It is a great gift to see you alive, but I'd rather have some chocolates. May I present, BA BA BA BAMM… Supreme Chancellor Valorum.  
  
CHANCELLOR: What was my line again? Oh, yes. Welcome Your Highness. It's an honor to finally meet you in person.  
  
QUEEN: Sure…  
  
PALPATINE: Come now, we must hurry off to the Senate. Goodbye, Chancellor.  
  
QUI-GON: And we must speak to the Jedi Council immediately, there's been a plot complication.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
PALPATINE: I tell you, I must be frank, there's little chance the Senate will act, the Republic is not what it once was. The Senate is full of greedy, squabbling delegates like myself. The Chancellor has little real power. The bureaucracies are in charge. Our only real option is to put a vote of no confidence in Chancellor Valorum.  
  
QUEEN: He's been our strongest supporter!  
  
PALPATINE: It's either that or SUBMIT A PLEA TO THE COURTS.  
  
QUEEN: That could take years, our people are dying, Senator. We must do something quickly.  
  
PALPATINE: If we don't use a vote of no confidence, I think we're going to have to select Federal-ation THING control for the time being.  
  
QUEEN: Then it appears I have no choice.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Qui-Gon is in front of the members of the Jedi Council.  
  
QUI-GON: …which leads me to believe that it was a Sith Lord.  
  
KI-DADDY-MONEY: Impossible! The Sith have been extinct for a millenium!  
  
MACE: Iiiiiiiiiiii do not believe the Sith could have returned with out us knowing.  
  
YODA: Ah! Hard to see the Dark Side is. More to say have you?  
  
QUI-GON: Uh, yes. I have located a virgance in the Force.  
  
YODA: A virgance you say?  
  
MACE: Located around aaa person?  
  
QUI-GON: A boy, with the highest midichlorians I've ever seen. It's entirely possible he was conceived by them.  
  
MACE: You're referring to the prophecy of the one who will bring balance to the Force? You believe it's this boy?  
  
QUI-GON: Well… yes. I request he be tested.  
  
MACE: Bring him before us then.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Shananakin walks to the room where the Queen is. A handmaiden comes up.  
  
HANDMAIDEN: I'm sorry, Shananakin. Padmé's not here right now.  
  
QUEEN: Who is it?  
  
HANDMAIDEN: Shananakin Moonwalker to see Padmé.  
  
QUEEN: I sent Padmé out the window. But you can leave her a message at the sound of the beep. Beep.  
  
SHANANAKIN: Hi Padmé, this is Shanananakin. I'm going to the Jedi Temple, I'll probably start my training and I'll never see you again, so goodbye.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Queen Armadillo is with Senator Palpatine in the Senate building.  
  
CHANCELLOR: The chair recognizes the Senator of Naboo.  
  
PALPATINE: Delegates of the Senate, a tragedy has occurred- one that has started right here with the taxation of trade routes and has engulfed our entire planet in the oppression of the Trade Federal-ation THING. To state our allegations, I present -BA BA- Queen Armadillo, ruler of Naboo.  
  
QUEEN: Dishonorable representatives of the Republic, I come before you under the gravest of circumstances. Naboo System has been invaded by the droid armies of the Trade-  
  
LODDY DODDY, TRADE FEDERAL-ATION THING OFFICIAL: This is nutrageous! I object! Dere is no proof! We recommend a commission be sent to Naboo to ascertain the truth.  
  
MALASTERE OFFICIAL: The congress of Malastere agrees with the dishonorable representative of the Trade Federal-ation THING because we were bribed by them.  
  
CHANCELLOR: All right! All right! Your Highness, will you differ your notions to allow a commission to be appointed to discuss the validity of your accusations?  
  
QUEEN: What?  
  
CHANCELLOR: Can we send some people to your planet to see for ourselves?  
  
QUEEN: No! We must act now! I was not elected to watch my people suffer and die while you discuss this invasion in a committee! If this body is not capable of action, I suggest new leadership is needed. I call for a vote of no confidence in Chancellor Valorum.  
  
The Senate is an uproar. Senator Palpatine is smiling.  
  
PALPATINE: Now they will elect a new Chancellor, a stronger Chancellor, a better looking Chancellor...  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
OBI-WAN: The boy will not pass the council's tests, Master, and you know it!  
  
QUI-GON: Shananakin will become a Jedi, I promise you.  
  
OBI-WAN: You don't have to. Do not defy the Council, Master. Not… again!  
  
QUI-GON: You still have much to learn, my young apprentice.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Shananakin stands before the Council, he is guessing images on a screen.  
  
SHANANAKIN: A ship, a cup, a speeder…  
  
YODA: Hmmm, how feel you?  
  
SHANANAKIN: Well, it is a bit nippy in here, could we turn on the heat?  
  
YODA: Not cold is that. Fear! Afraid are you?  
  
SHANANAKIN: No.  
  
YODA: You lie! See through you I can!  
  
MACE: Be mindful of your feelings.  
  
KI-DADDY-$: Your thoughts dwell on your mother.  
  
SHANANAKIN: I miss her.  
  
YODA: Afraid to lose her I think!  
  
SHANANAKIN: What does that have to do with anything?  
  
YODA: Everything! Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering. I sense much fear in you.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Jarari and Queen Armadillo are standing by a window on Corusnot.  
  
JARARI: Yousa dinken yousa people gonna die?  
  
QUEEN: I guess I am now…  
  
JARARI: Gungans get pasted too?  
  
QUEEN: Probably…  
  
CAPTAIN: Your Highness! Senator Palpatine has been nominated to succeed Valorum as Chancellor!  
  
QUEEN: Who else?  
  
CAPTAIN: Bail Antilles of Alderaan and Ailee Teem of Malastere.  
  
PALPATINE: I feel confident those losers will stand no chance of winning. Your Highness, If I am elected I promise to put an end to corruption. Hee Hee! That's my slogan, I wrote it myself!  
  
QUEEN: Senator, this is your arena. I feel I must return to mine. I've decided to go back to Naboo.  
  
PALPATINE: Go back? But Your Majesty, they'll Force you to sign the treaty!  
  
QUEEN: I will sign no treaty, Senator. My fate will be no different then that of my people. Captain, ready my ship.  
  
She leaves.  
  
PALPATINE: Stop. Don't. Come back.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
KI-DADDY-$: …the Force is strong with him.  
  
QUI-GON: He is to be trained then?  
  
MACE: No, he will not be trained.  
  
QUI-GON: No.  
  
MACE: He is too old.  
  
QUI-GON: I'll do it then. I take Shananakin as my Padawan Learner.  
  
YODA: Forgotten have you? An apprentice you already have.  
  
QUI-GON: Uh, you can have Obi-Wan back.  
  
YODA: No return policy.  
  
QUI-GON: Actually I think Obi-Wan is ready.  
  
OBI-WAN: Really? You really think so?  
  
MACE: Wait! Wait! Wait! Now is not the time for this! Queen Armadillo is returning home; I'm bald and the Senate is voting for a new Chancellor. Go with the Queen to Naboo, this petty political struggle is the perfect diversion for the Sith.  
  
YODA: May the Force be with you.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan, Shananakin, Jarari and R2-D2 are on the landing platform.  
  
OBI-WAN: It's not disrespect Master, it's the truth.  
  
QUI-GON: From your point of view.  
  
Obi-Wan walks up to Shananakin and puts his hands on his shoulders.  
  
OBI-WAN: This boy here is dangerous, they all sense it why can't you?  
  
QUI-GON: Matches are dangerous, the boy's fate is just… uncertain. Now get onboard.  
  
SHANANAKIN: Was that Ogie-Jon guy talking about me? I don't want to be a problem.  
  
QUI-GON: You're not a problem.  
  
SHANANAKIN: Good, 'cause I got some questions for you.  
  
QUI-GON: O.K.  
  
SHANANAKIN: Where do babies come from?  
  
QUI-GON: Er… How about another question.  
  
SHANANAKIN: Okay, uh, what are midichlorians?  
  
QUI-GON: Ah, midichlorians are a microscopic lifeform residing within all living cells. We are symbiants with them-life forms living together for mutual advantage-it's really amazing when you think about how the ce-  
  
SHANANAKIN: ACTUALLY I though Midichlorian was a laundry detergent.  
  
Shananakin holds up a laundry detergent that says Midichlorian on it.  
  
QUI-GON: So it is. Oh, hello Your Highness. It is my pleasure to frequently protect and save your life.  
  
QUEEN: I welcome your help, Senator Palpatine hopes the Federal-ation THING will destroy me.  
  
QUI-GON: I assure you I will not allow that to happen.  
  
JARARI: WEESA GOIN HOME!  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
The Viceroy and Rude Hacko are talking to Darth Silliness' hologram.  
  
VICEROY: We have taken over the last pockets of pa-rimitive lifeforms, we are in complete control of the planet nowww.  
  
SILLINESS: Good, I will see to it that in the Senate things stay as they are, I can do that you know, because I am the new Supreme Chancellor! Oh yes, and I'm sending my apprentice, DARTH MAUL to join you.  
  
RUDE HACKO: What?  
  
VICEROY: Ye-yes Ma'lord.  
  
RUDE HACKO: A Sith? Here!  
  
VICEROY: Ooh! Ooh! Doyoo tink we can get his autograph? 


	6. Chapter 6

----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
CHAPTER 6  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Riccola and Shananakin are in the cockpit.  
  
SHANANAKIN: Are we there yet?  
  
RICOLLA: No  
  
SHANANAKIN: Are we there yet?  
  
RICOLLA: No  
  
SHANANAKIN: Are we there yet?  
  
RICOLLA: No.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
CAPTAIN: The Federal-ation THING will arrest you and force you to sign the treaty.  
  
QUI-GON: I agree, I'm not sure what you wish to accomplish at this.  
  
QUEEN: I will take back what's ours.  
  
CAPTAIN: You and what army?  
  
QUEEN: Jarari Bink.  
  
JARARI: Who meesa?  
  
QUEEN: Yes, I need your help.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
The Queen's ship lands. Obi-Wan approaches Qui-Gon.  
  
OBI-WAN: Jarari's on his way to the Gungan city, you think the Queen's idea will work.  
  
QUI-GON: No.  
  
Silence.  
  
OBI-WAN: Gee, I'm sorry Master. It's not my place to disagree with you about the boy. And I am grateful you think I'm ready to take the trials.  
  
QUI-GON: Don't let it go to your head, I was just trying to get rid of you.  
  
OBI-WAN: Oh.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Jarari comes out of the water.  
  
JARARI: Dere wuz nobotty dere! Gungan city was dezerted!  
  
CAPTAIN: I bet they were all completely wiped out, huh-huh!  
  
JARARI: No way homi-brudder, weesa no dien wit out a fight. Ya see when in trouble, Gungans go to sacred place, meesa will show yas.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
The crew goes to the sacred Gungan place. The Boss takes the stand.  
  
BOSS: Jarari Bink! Who's da ousen ooters?  
  
QUEEN: I am Queen Armadillo of Naboo, I come in peace.  
  
BOSS: Ah! Naboo bigen. Yousa bring da mackineeks, yousa berry berry bombad!  
  
QUEEN: But we wish to form an alliance with you!  
  
BOSS: Meesa form nutting wit no one!  
  
HANDMAIDEN #1: You're honor, I am Queen Armadillo.  
  
HANDMAIDEN #2: No, I am Queen Armadillo.  
  
CAPTAIN: I am Queen Armadillo.  
  
RICOLLA: I am Queen Armadillo.  
  
PILOT: I am Queen Armadillo.  
  
R2-D2: Beedweep bedweep!  
  
Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan look at each other in confusion, many voices can be heard saying "I am Queen Armadillo!" "No you're not, I'm Queen Armadillo" "No me!"  
  
PADMÉ: You're honor wait! I am Queen Armadillo! I need your help!  
  
BOSS: Meesa not hep any-uh yoos! Yoosa all too wacky!  
  
PADMÉ: But the Trade Federal-ation THING has destroyed all we have worked so hard to build. I ask you to help us, no I beg you to help us. We are your humble servants, our fate is in your hands.  
  
They all kneel before the Boss, all the Gungans are confused. Boss Nasty laughs.  
  
BOSS: Waits a secoond, yousa no tinkin yousa greater then the GoonGuns? Meesa like-a dis. Maybe weesa bein frenz!  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Again, the Viceroy and Rude Hacko are talking to the holographic Silliness. This time Darth Maul is with them.  
  
VICEROY: We sent out our patrols, we already located their starship in the swamp. It won't be long now…  
  
SILLINESS: This is an unexpected move for her, it's too aggressive. Lord Maul be mindful let them make the first move.  
  
DARTH MAUL: Yes, my Master.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Everyone is gathering near a speeder for the briefing.  
  
BOSS: Jarari Bink, yousa doin' grand. Yousa bring Naboo and Gunans togeta, so weesa make you bombad general.  
  
JARARI: General? Oy vey!  
  
The Captain walks up.  
  
PADMÉ: What's the situation, Captain?  
  
CAPTAIN: Well the droid army is a lot stronger than we though. You're Highness, if you want my opinion…  
  
PADMÉ: No.  
  
CAPTAIN: …This is a battle I do not think that we can win.  
  
PADMÉ: The battle is a diversion. The Gungans must draw the droid armies away from the city.  
  
QUI-GON: How'll we enter the city?  
  
PADMÉ: We'll use the secret passages on the waterfall side, while Captain Panic-uh creates a diversion.  
  
CAPTAIN: What? I will?  
  
PADMÉ: Of course. So what do you think, Master Jedi?  
  
QUI-GON: The Viceroy will be well guarded and there is a possibility that many Gungans will be killed in battle.  
  
BOSS: Weesa ready to do our-sa part!  
  
OBI-WAN: 'Our' meaning you will be hiding here the whole battle, isn't that right?  
  
BOSS: Uh…  
  
QUI-GON: Plus there's the danger of the Viceroy escaping and conjuring up another droid army.  
  
OBI-WAN: And there's an even bigger danger, if this doesn't look good on film the critics will think the movie sucked, Jar Jar's taking away our audience as it is.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Viceroy, Rude Hacko, and the two Sith lords, one holographic of course.  
  
VICEROY: We've sent out our droids to meet with this army assembling near the swamp. It appears to be made up of primitives.  
  
SILLINESS: Good, this will work to our advantage.  
  
VICEROY: I have your approval to proceed then, ma'lord?  
  
SILLINESS: Wipe them out… ALL OF THEM.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
The Gungans form their army. The battle droids show up in tanks and start firing. The Gungans shield deflects the fire.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
A speeder comes out and destroys a tank, the battle droids are distracted. Padmé, Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan, Shananakin, and a couple of guards, pilots, and droids go into the hangar. The Jedi deflect blasts, protecting Padmé.  
  
QUI-GON: Annie, quick! Find cover!  
  
PADMÉ: Get to your ships.  
  
They get to their ships. Shananakin gets in a ship with R2-D2. The fighters take off and fly to the droid control ship. Thousands of droid starfighters come out of the control ship.  
  
RICOLLA: Fighters, dead ahead.  
  
PILOT #1: Roger, Bravo Leader!  
  
PILOT #2: Roger, Bravo Leader!  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Back to the Gungans. The head Roger finally notices their blaster bolts aren't doing anything to the Gungans.  
  
ROGER: Wait a second guys, hey hey, wait a second! Cease fire!  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
In the droid control ship…  
  
DUNCE: Activate the droids.  
  
ANNOYING COMM OFFICER: Yezzir!  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
The battle droids are activated, thousands of them march through the "deflector" shield. (some deflector shield, I say) The Gungans are in a big fight.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
The battle droids are all dead in the hangar. The Captain and Queen's soldiers meet up with the Queen.  
  
PADMÉ: My guess is the Viceroy's in the throne room.  
  
CAPTAIN: Red group, gold group, blue group. Everybody. Let's go!  
  
SHANANAKIN: Wait for me!  
  
QUI-GON: Annie, stay in that cockpit.  
  
They approach the doors, the doors open. Darth Maul has apparently been waiting there for two hours and he's mad as heck.  
  
QUI-GON: We'll deal with this villain.  
  
PADMÉ: We'll take the long way!  
  
Some destroyer droids come out and block the long way. Padmé and her troops take cover.  
  
SHANANAKIN: We gotta do something, Artoo!  
  
Darth Maul pulls out his lightsaber, one end lights up. The other end does too.  
  
OBI-WAN: Look Master! He's got a double-blader!  
  
Obi-Wan, Qui-Gon and Darth Maul start fighting. The Queen's troops are no match for the destroyer droids. Shananakin "accidentally" turns on his ship it hovers above the ground.  
  
SHANANAKIN: Oh, no I turned it on!  
  
He blows the destroyer droids up. And takes off out of the hangar.  
  
SHANANAKIN: Oh no! It's on autopilot.  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan and Darth Maul fight all the way to the power generator complex.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Padmé and the group are running through the palace, battle droids are ahead of them. They take cover.  
  
PADMÉ: We don't have time for this.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Shananakin is well on his way to the droid control ship.  
  
SHANANAKIN: Look Artoo, that's where the autopilot's taking us.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
The Gungans are getting whooped. Jarari is more of a nuisance than a help in the battle, so he just lays on the ground covering his eyes. A piece of a battle droid lands on his back.  
  
JARARI: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! Get it offa me!  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
The Naboo pilots are getting whooped, too.  
  
RICOLLA: Hey it's not our fault, the deflector shield is just TOO strong.  
  
SHANANAKIN: Artoo, get us off this autopilot before we both get killed.  
  
R2-D2 gets them off the autopilot.  
  
SHANANAKIN: Yahoo! Yipee! You did it!  
  
R2-D2: Beedweep!  
  
SHANANAKIN: Go back? Qui-Gon told me to stay in this cockpit and that's what I'm doing.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
The Queen's troops are pretty much stuck. The Captain notices a window. The window washer shakes his head and gets on his knees. The Captain blows the window up, the window washer falls.  
  
CAPTAIN: Your Highness, the window!  
  
PADMÉ: Right!  
  
They get on the window.  
  
CAPTAIN: Ha! Ascension guns!  
  
They use ascension guns and go to the next floor up. They blow open the window and run around the palace.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan and Darth Maul are still fighting. Darth Maul kicks Obi-Wan off the catwalk and he falls, he grabs onto something quick. Darth Maul turns around and sneers in Qui-Gon's face. Qui-Gon smacks him off the ledge and jumps after him. Obi-Wan uses the Force to jump to the catwalk where his Master fights the Sith. He accidentally jumps too high and has to jump back down. By the time he reaches them he is separated by a laser beam. Darth Maul is pretty ticked, Qui-Gon meditates. Obi-Wan walks around impatiently.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
The shield generator is taken down (it doesn't help much anyway). The Gungans retreat.  
  
JARARI: Waiten for meesa!  
  
He grabs onto the back of a little wagon full of energy balls. It snaps off and the balls fly everywhere. Jarari runs back to the battle droids. An explosion barely misses him and he lands on a tank. Captain Tadpole rides up next to the tank.  
  
CAPTAIN TADPOLE: Zarari, Jump!  
  
He jumps and knocks the Captain off his, uh, steed. The battle droids surround them.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Destroyer droids surround the Queen.  
  
PADMÉ: Drop your weapons, they win this round.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Shananakin's spacecraft is hit.  
  
SHANANAKIN: We're hit Artoo!  
  
He conveniently crash lands in the droid control ship. Battle droids surround him.  
  
SHANANAKIN: Uh oh!  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
The laser gates go away. Qui-Gon and Darth Maul start fighting. Obi-Wan runs to the end of the hall but doesn't clear the last gate (too bad he didn't use the wicked speed he did when running from the destroyer droids earlier). He watches his Master fight the Sith. Suddenly Darth Maul jabs his lightsaber into Qui-Gon.  
  
OBI-WAN: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!  
  
Qui-Gon falls over. Obi-Wan is starting to get mad. Darth Maul is getting happy.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Padmé and her group are taken to the Viceroy.  
  
VICEROY: Ah, Queen Armadillo, your insurrection is at an end. Time to sign the treaty and end this pointless debate in da Senate! Looks like… I WIN! Ha! Checkmate!  
  
QUEEN: Yo Viceroy! Your occupation here has ended.  
  
The fake Queen shoots the battle droids.  
  
VICEROY: Afta-ha! Das the real Queen, this one here's a decoy!  
  
PAMÉ: Wrong again Viceroy!  
  
Padmé grabs a couple of blasters hidden in a secret panel of the Queen's throne. (You know, just in case). She tosses one to Captain Panic-uh.  
  
They destroy all the droids.  
  
CAPTAIN: Seal the door.  
  
Two guards run to the door.  
  
GUARD: Huh! How many royal guards does it take to close a door?  
  
PADMÉ: Now, Viceroy, we will discuss a new treaty.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
The lasers go away, Obi-Wan launches himself at Darth Maul. They fight for a while. Obi-Wan manages to slice Darth Maul's saber in two. Darth Maul uses the Force and pushed Obi-Wan into a bottomless pit. Obi-Wan grabs onto one of the convenient things poking out from inside the pit. Obi-Wan's lightsaber falls down…  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
SHANANAKIN: Yes we have power! Shields up! Ha! Take this! Yipee!  
  
He "accidentally" shoots the main reactor that is for some reason located in the hangar.  
  
ANNOYING COMM OFFICER: Zir! We're lozing powuh! Dere zeem to be a problem witza main reactor.  
  
DUNCE: I told you we shouldn't have put the main reactors in the hangar!  
  
SHANANAKIN: Let's get outta here!  
  
Shananakin flies out of the droid control ship.  
  
DUNCE: Quick, someone get the license plate number on that Naboo starfight-air.  
  
The droid control ship blows up.  
  
SHANANAKIN: Now this is pot racing! Yipee!  
  
R2-D2: BEEDODWEEP!  
  
RICCOLA: Yeee Hee Hee!  
  
PILOT: Uh, yeah.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
All the battle droids break down.  
  
JARARI: Eh? Wassa goin on?  
  
CAPTAIN TADPOLE: The control ship has been destroyed! Look!  
  
JARARI: Dey are broken!  
  
Everyone cheers.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Darth Maul is destroying the pit, I don't know why. Obi-Wan has one chance. He uses the Force to leap through the air, simultaneously grabbing Qui-Gon's lightsaber. He turns it on and cuts Darth Maul in half all before Darth Maul knows what happened.  
  
DARTH MAUL: Narr….  
  
He falls in the pit.  
  
OBI-WAN: Master!  
  
QUI-GON: It's too late!  
  
OBI-WAN: No!  
  
QUI-GON: Yes!  
  
OBI-WAN: No!  
  
QUI-GON: Obi-Wan, promise me you will train the boy.  
  
OBI-WAN: No! I mean… er.. yes. Sure…  
  
QUI-GON: He is the Chosen One, he will bring balance. Train him.  
  
OBI-WAN: No goodbye? No I love you? No it's been a pleasure being your Master? He didn't even disappear! I'm going to have to wait 'till the next movie to find out why!  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
A spaceship lands. The Viceroy and Rude Hacko are being sent back to Corusnot.  
  
QUEEN: Well well well, looks like your going to have to go the Senate and explain all this.  
  
CAPTAIN: And I think you can kiss your trade franchise goodbye.  
  
VICEROY: Ouch…  
  
Chancellor Palpatine comes out of the transport.  
  
CHANCELLOR: Good work, Obi-Wan Kenobi. On defeating my loyal Sith appren- I mean that, er, Sith Lord. And you young Moonwalker, we will watch your career with great interest.  
  
QUEEN: Congratulations on your election, Chancellor.  
  
CHANCELLOR: Your boldness has saved our people, congratulations to you. Together we can bring peace and prosperity to the Republic.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Yoda and Obi-Wan are in the Naboo Palace.  
  
YODA: Confer on you the level of Jedi Knight the council does. Hummph. But agree with your taking this boy as your Padawan Learner, I do not! Hmmph!  
  
OBI-WAN: Master, you don't scare me with your 'Hummphs' and 'Hmmphs'. But Master Qui-Gon was dying and I- Well I had to promise him. Qui-Gon believed in him… I don't… But Qui-Gon did.  
  
YODA: The Chosen One the boy may very well be, but GRAVE DANGER I sense in his training.  
  
OBI-WAN: Grave danger? Sounds a bit dangerous, doesn't it? I don't think I want to train Shananakin.  
  
YODA: HA! But promised Qui-Gon you did! Train him you must.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Everyone is at Qui-Gon's funeral. Everyone is sad except for Chancellor Palpatine who is grinning Sithly.  
  
SHANANAKIN: What will happen to me now?  
  
OBI-WAN: The Council made me- I mean- have 'granted me permission' to train you. You will be a Jedi, I promise.  
  
MACE: There's no doubt in my mind the mysterious warrior was a Sith.  
  
YODA: Yes but always two there are… no more, no less… a Master and an Apprentice.  
  
MACE: But which was destroyed, the Master or the Apprentice?  
  
Close-up on Chancellor Palpatine.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
There is a big celebration. Queen Armadillo, Captain Panic-uh, Chancellor Palpatine, R2-D2 and Sio Babble stand with the pilots and soldiers. The Jedi Council is also there with Obi-Wan and Shananakin who now has a Padawan haircut. Jarari, Captain Tadpole and Boss Nasty walk up the stairs. Queen Armadillo steals a glowing purple glass ball from Sio Babble. Boss Nasty steals it from her.  
  
BOSS: PEACE OUT!!!  
  
Everyone cheers and looks at each other. The screen goes to a little circle like it does in the cartoons. Jarari steals the ball from Boss Nasty and drops it. It shatters.  
  
JARARI: Oopsie.  
  
THE END 


	7. DVD Deleted Scenes

----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
DVD DELETED SCENES  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Episode Uno - Deleted Scene Uno - Complete Pot Race Grid Sequence  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
The arena is packed. A two-headed announcer, uh, announces.  
  
Fodé: Welcome to the Boonta Eve Classic, pot race fans.  
  
Beed: And lovely weather we're having today.  
  
Fodé: And a big turnout from all corners of the Outer Rim. There's Ben Cloginaros!  
  
Beed: And the drunken fool, Teemto Pagagalees!  
  
Fodé: Two-timer Boles Roor!  
  
Beed: The galaxy-famous Gass Gonzo!  
  
Fodé: And the crowd favorite Sebublug.   
  
Sebublug: Hooray for me!  
  
Fodé: And in the front row, near the crazy side, it's Mawhonic!  
  
Random Fan: My hero!  
  
Fodé: A hearty cheer to Cligg Holdfast in his souped-up, uh, Yugo. Lookee right there! It's Elan Mak, the only podracer with amnesia!  
  
Elan Mak: Eh? Elan Mak, das mee? Wait where am I? Uh, hi.  
  
Fodé: And back again... Monty Dudbolt! In his Dudmobile! And a newcomer, first time, big time, anytime, Mars Guo!  
  
Mars: Humm humm humm humm humm!  
  
Jarari: Dankoo berry much-o!  
  
Fodé: This little guy can't even spell fear, it's Ratts Tirel!  
  
Ratts: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Fodé: And the Mrs. is here today, be careful Ratts. And next up... He's not good looking... He's not bright.... He's not even nice.... He's Ark 'BUMPY' Loservelt!  
  
A band play the now popular radio hit "The Ark 'Bumpy' Loservelt Theme Song".  
  
Fodé: And for no apparent reason we have the celebrity Ody Mandalor in the race! And the phenomenally unimportant, Shananakin Moonwalker.  
  
Sebublug breaks off a piece of Shananakin's podracer, then he walks up to Shananakin.  
  
Sebublug: Pasta ravioli shag, duke nookie.*  
* You won't live through this one, slave scumumum.  
  
SHANANAKIN: Cho screwy dope-pot slame-o.*  
* Don't count on it.  
  
Sebublug: Yoka toe bantha poodoo!*  
* You're bantha shink!  
  
Fodé: The Great Garba the Nut has entered the arena.  
  
Garba enters the arena.  
  
Garba: SPOSTIKA BA KOOTI, MA WANNA CHOPATTA. DA RUNGEE DUNOFY BOTILLA SHONWAKA DEY ONO. EMOST TATSALA!*  
* Welcome!  
  
Garba: Naki naki!*  
*Let's start the annual Boonta Eve Classic pot race.  
  
Fodé: START YOUR ENGINES!  
  
They start their engines. And they're off.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Episode Uno Deleted Scene 3 - The Waterfall Sequence  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
The bongo pulls up into a waterfall.  
  
QUI-GON: Get this thing started.  
  
OBI-WAN: There isn't enough power.  
  
Qui-Gon searches around his tool belt.  
  
QUI-GON: A-HA! Just what I was looking for!  
  
He pulls out a Stretch Armstrong doll.  
  
QUI-GON: Stretch Armstrong to the rescue!  
  
OBI-WAN: Master...  
  
Qui-Gon tosses the doll to shore, but holds on to one hand... it stretches.  
  
QUI-GON: Hurry Obi-Wan, I don't know how much longer Stretch can hold.  
  
They reach shore, just as Stretch Armstrong lets go. The bongo goes over the waterfall. Qui-Gon hugs Stretch Armstrong.  
  
OBI-WAN: Where's Jarari?  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Episode Uno Deleted Scene 4 - The Air Taxi Sequence  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
PALPATINE: Come now, we must hurry off. Goodbye, Chancellor.  
  
QUI-GON: And we must speak to the Jedi Council immediately, there's been a plot complication.  
  
Shananakin turns around, hearing Qui-Gon say this. Qui-Gon plays innocent.  
  
PADMÉ: Shananakin, come here! Sit! Good boy.  
  
Jarari and Shananakin get on the air taxi rollercoaster ride that takes them to the Senate. Jarari sits next to a grossly hairy driver.  
  
JARARI: Dat Queen is pitty hot! She bein nice an stuff, even if me havta sit by grosso hairy guy here.  
  
The rollercoaster ride takes off...  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Episode Uno Deleted Scene 6 - Shananakin "Scuffles" With Guido  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
All the kids in the neighboorhood are shouting FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT. Shananakin is fighting with Guido the Rodian. Qui-Gon approaches and all the kids run away.  
  
QUI-GON: What's this fight about?  
  
SHANANAKIN: He says I cheated!  
  
QUI-GON: Well, did you?  
  
SHANANAKIN: Not exactly...  
  
QUI-GON (to Guido): Do you still think he cheated?  
  
He doesn't speak.  
  
QUI-GON: Well?  
  
Silence.  
  
QUI-GON: Speak up son...  
  
Qui-Gon bends over and notices he isn't breathing. He checks his pulse only to find out that Guido is dead.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Episode Uno Deleted Scene 7 - Farewell to Old Lady  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Qui-Gon and Shananakin are walking back to the Queen's ship. Shananakin approaches the very same old lady who's bones were aching.  
  
SHANANAKIN (very enthusiastically): I'm free.  
  
OLD LADY: Ooh, I'm so happy feryuz!  
  
SHANANAKIN: Here, take this money, buy some teeth or somethin' for all I care. You know sometimes I really worry about you...  
  
OLD LADY: Such a kind boy, can I give you a hug?  
  
SHANANAKIN: No, not in front of all these people. I mean, anyone could be watching. ANYONE... like that Sith probe droid back there.  
  
OLD LADY: Okay, you take care now.  
  
SHANANAKIN: I will.  
  
The old lady doesn't notice the probe droid that flies inches in front of her face. Shani and Qui-Gon walk a little ways, all of the sudden, with no warning Qui-Gon spins around, does a little dance and hacks the probe droid in half.  
  
QUI-GON: YEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Shananakin looks at him strangely.  
  
QUI-GON: Sorry, sometimes you just have to do that, or something, I guess, well what have we here?  
  
SHANANAKIN: What is it?  
  
QUI-GON: That's what I just asked. Looks like a bowling ball or somethin', but not the kind I'm used to seein', very unusual.  
  
He picks it up.  
  
RANDOM PERSON #1: It's a bomb! He's got a bomb!  
  
QUI-GON: Wait a second, it's not a bomb...  
  
Everyone is in panic.  
  
GEORGE LUCAS: CUT!!! 


	8. "The Empire Rides Again" Preview

------------------------------------------------------------------------  
This is the beginning of the Star Wars Spoof of The Empire Strikes Back - if its liked enough I'll post the rest (first I need to write the rest) but even then it may have to wait in line for - BA BA BA the Star Wars Spoof of Attack Of The Clones - but who knows - well enjoy...  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
  
  
Lots of probes come out of a star destroyer. One lands on the icy planet of Hoth, not so far away from Rebel hero, Nuke Moonwalker, who is patrolling the icy plains on a tauntaun.  
  
NUKE: Eh? Wassat? (into his comlink:) Echo 3 to Echo 7, Han old buddy, do you read me?  
  
HAN (OVER COMLINK): Loud and clear… very LOUD!  
  
NUKE: Well I've finished my circle, but I saw a meteor or somethin', I think I'll go check it out.  
  
HAN (OVER COMLINK): Well don't stay out too long, it's cold, besides you know what they say about the fool who worked overtime…  
  
NUKE: Heh, sure, whatever. (flicks of comlink) son of a…  
  
TAUNTAUN: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!  
  
NUKE: Steady girl, it's not like we're about to be attacked by a giant furry horned beast.  
  
GIANT FURRY HORNED BEAST: Grr.  
  
NUKE: Woah!  
  
The giant furry hroned beast swaps Nuke and his tauntaun, knocking them out in one hit.  
  
  
Han gets back to the Rebel base. He passes by his clunky old ship, the Centurion Falcon, his hairy co-pilot Chewy is repairing it. He growls at Han for help.  
  
HAN: I'll help you as soon as I get back… but first.  
  
Han walks into a room full of Princess Leia and her clones and a general. Han walks up to Leia but the general stops in front of him.  
  
HAN: Oh, uh, hi, General, I , uh, have to go.  
  
GENERAL: Sure. Whatever.  
  
HAN: Yeah, I mean, with this death mark and everything. I gotta pay off Garba the Nut or he'll have my head.  
  
GENERAL: Yeah, a death marks not an easy thing to live with, just look what it did to me.  
  
Han looks at what it did to the general.  
  
HAN: Gee, I better hurry.  
  
He walks off, Leia follows him.  
  
LEIA: HAN!  
  
HAN: Yes Your Highnessness?  
  
LEIA: I thought you were going to stay…  
  
HAN: Yeah, but a little something changed my mind, I think it was that bounty hunter on Org Mandrell.  
  
LEIA: Han we need men like you!  
  
HAN: You mean courageous good-looking valiant space-captains with insight into Imperial tactics and natural-born leading ability?  
  
LEIA: Huh? No. We need men like you to be janitors… you know, scrub the toilets…  
  
HAN: So why are you following me? 'Fraid I would leave without giving you a goodbye kiss?  
  
LEIA: I'd rather kiss a Wookiee.  
  
HAN: Yeah, well KISS MY WOOKIEE!  
  
  
Han is standing next to his ship. C-PPO and R2-D2 approch.  
  
PPO: Captain Solo! Captain Solo! Princess Leia's been trying to reach you on the communicator!  
  
HAN: HA! I turned it off! I don't wanna talk to her!  
  
PPO: But she's terribly worried about Master Nuke, he hasn't come back yet!  
  
HAN: I don't know where he is!  
  
PPO: Nobody knows where he is!  
  
HAN: What do you mean nobody knows?  
  
A deck officer walks by.  
  
HAN: Deck officer! Deck officer!  
  
DECK OFFICER: Sir, how did you know my name?  
  
HAN: Nevermind that, has Commander Moonwalker reported in yet?  
  
DECK OFFICER: Hmmm… It's a possibility he may have possibly passed through the south entrance, uh, possibly…  
  
HAN: Well I'm going after him!  
  
Han jumps onto a tauntaun and takes off, the deck officer hurries after him.  
  
DECK OFFICER: Sir! Wait! You can't do that! Oh, phooey!  
  
  
We find now that our favorite hero Nuke Moonwalker is hanging upside down in a wampa ice creature's freezer.  
  
NUKE: Ugh…  
  
The wampa, seeing he has run out of Bugles goes to the freezer to find a snack. Nuke hears him approaching and summons up all his training learned from the deceased Jedi Obi-Wan "Ben" Kenobi to reach his lightsaber, a Jedi weapon, in the ice - close by but just out of reach. Through the mystical energy field connecting the very fabric of the universe - simply called the Force - the lightsaber flies into his hand as he uses the Jedi power of telekinesis. Just then the wampa comes around. The wampa is no match for a Jedi once the Jedi has his lightsaber, quickly Nuke disarms the wampa and runs out of his lair - only to collapse two feet away from the entrance.  
  
  
A loud-mouthed Rebel officer approaches the more tactful, higher-ranking officer.  
  
LOUD-MOUTHED REBEL OFFICER: SIR! STILL NO WORD FROM MOONWALKER OR SOLO!  
  
MORE TACTFUL, HIGHER-RANKING OFFICER: Shut up you dolt, Princess Leia is standing right over there.  
  
Hearing this Princess Leia begins to worry even more. The higher-ranking officer approaches her.  
  
HIGHER-RANKING OFFICER: Well I'm not going to lie to you, it doesn't look good, there's only a one-in-a-million-shot of surviving that Hoth cold. Me, I'd rather be lit on fire, shot through a cannon and fed to the Karm-worms of Karkossi than rough the sub-zero snow plains of Hoth at night. But try not to worry…  
  
The doors begin to close slowly, for dramatic effect.  
  
Finally after everyone gets their rightful close up, the doors slam shut. C-PPO trys to comfort the solemn R2:  
  
PPO: Don't worry R2, the chances of survival are 1,000,000 to 1, so there's still a chance!  
  
  
We return to Nuke Moonwalker - Rebel hero and Jedi-in-training - now a frozen bulk barely clinging on to life.  
  
NUKE: e….  
  
We hear a familiar voice.  
  
FAMILIAR VOICE: NUKE. NUKE!  
  
NUKE: Eh?  
  
We see a familiar form.  
  
FAMILIAR FORM: Nuke!  
  
It is none other than the ghost of Obi-Wan "Ben" Kenobi.  
  
OBI-WAN: You are getting sleeeeeeeepy!  
  
NUKE: Sleepy…  
  
OBI-WAN: You will go to the Dagobah System.  
  
NUKE: Dagobah System…  
  
OBI-WAN: There you will learn from Yoda, the very same Jedi Master who did not teach me.  
  
NUKE: Yoda…  
  
Han comes up as Ben disappears.  
  
NUKE: Ben….  
  
HAN: Now how does Nuke know my REAL name?  
  
Han tauntaun immediately drops dead from the cold, it's a wonder how those tauntauns survived before the Rebels came. Han claims Nuke's lightsaber and begins playing around.  
  
HAN: BA BA! HANS THE JEDI! HIYA! WOOOHA! CHA!  
  
He carves Nuke a coat from the tauntaun.  
  
HAN: This'll keep you warm.  
  
He pulls out a Game Boy and begins playing it.  
  
HAN: Now lets see if I can't beat ole Bowser this time… 


End file.
